Monday, June 15, 2009


Since the cause of Carradine's death has now been determined as official, the dust has begun to settle and people now find it morally acceptable within themselves to wonder, "Whatever happend to that film he was shooting?"

Now, David Carradine was no Heath Ledger, and he definately wasn't prepping to be the next Joker (more so the next Dumbledore), so will his final role in the new film be anticipated as much as the new Batman villain's was?

The movied, titled "Stretch" (the irony), is still being shot and had a few more significant scenes to shoot featuring the late actor. However, it is now being rewritten to accomodate Carradine's absence.

Somehow, I am incapable of finding any legitimate facts on the internet pertaining to the film. Not even my loyal IMDB has come to my rescue, nor the good sumaritans from Yahoo! Answers. It was only through Amy Grindhouse's page that I was able to find the tyniest slice of info.

"Please sir, can I have some more?"

David Carradine's Last Night in Bangkok

"One night in Bangkok makes a hard man (David Carradine?) humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble (or hang?)
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me"

Wow, talk about "ahead-of-its-time". Seems like Murray Head's one hit wonder is still relevant today, summing up a modern tragedy with a song about extreme chess. Despair and ecstasy indeed (but in the opposite order).

This reminds me a lot of a skit Dave Chappelle did mimicking the constant foreshadowing in Tupac's lyrics from songs (suposedly written in '94) released after his death. In this video Dave Chappelle (as Tupac) raps about modern issues and events as if he was still alive today.

"Listen close as life turns its pages
Makiaveli here kickin' rhymes for the ages
Seen things in stages, Wise words spoken by sages
From Skytel to Blackberry pagers
Your crew don't phase us
We'll make you busters pay us
Run up in yo spot like CJ from San Andreas

I wrote this song a long time ago
A real long time ago, FEEL ME!
I wrote this song a long time ago
It was the dopest song I ever wrote... in 94'

What can a n**** do
When half the people voted for George W
Life's a bitch, f*** George W., can't be true
I want to choke him, cause he's a snitch
I'm talking bout George W. Smith
From city council
He ran in 93 out in Oakland.
You probably didn't hear about him."

Another dead rapper turned prophet after his death is The Notorious B.I.G, through his lyrics in "Juicy":

"Now I'm the limelight, 'cause I rhyme tight
Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade"

Silly political revelations aside, when it comes to George Bush related anger, no one does it better than Immortal Technique in "Bin Laden".

Friday, June 12, 2009

Instant Karma

A few Sundays ago as I was mowing the lawn I noticed a bumble-bee swiftly hovering above the blades of grass I was about to decapitate. As I aproached, I figured it was probably low enough for me to runover, so I lifted the front wheels of the lawn-mower and charged ahead. The bumble-bee swerved away, and before the lawn-mower's front wheels had dropped back on the grass, I had already jumped away from the scene as the yellow menace came at me.

Later, after I had filled the tank up with gas, I forgot to screw the cap back on. When I started it up, the lawn-mower transformed into a fountain, ejaculating gasoline a foot high. I took this as a big "Screw you!" from mother nature and proceeded on with my day.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


'Nuff said
On an SNL skit a while back, during the "Weekend Update", an Angelina Jolie impersonator came out to argue with another baby-lovin' actress (I forget who) to argue over who got the most exotic children.
Angelina says, "Well, I got a baby from Russia."
The second actress responds with, "What's so special about a Russian baby?"
"Because inside a Russian baby is another baby, and then another baby, and then another baby..."
Yesterday when I was signing on to MySpace I glanced over at the celebrity updates, and saw Owen Benjamin's status update, which read something like, "I'm bringing the word 't'was' back, so when people ask, 'Hey Owen, how was the party?' I can tell them, 'T'was good.'" Pfft, I've been saying "t'was", "t'is", and "t'night" even before Pirate became a legitimate language choice on Facebook (I'm serious, check your settings).

Now I would have loved to copy and paste the exact wording on here, but MySpace dosen't post status updates on the person's profile for some reason. It's funny how a website, when desperate, can copy every major aspect of its competitor's pages (such as applications, mutual friends, status updates, etc.), yet miss all the miniscule yet significant details that make other sites so much easier to navigate.

Oh, and by the way, Owen Benjamin ("He's got two first names!"), is probably better known as the guy who played the loyal bartender in The House Bunny. Personally, I think he looks like a younger version of Craig Ferguson from The Late Late Show.


Featuring Craig Ferguson is Niagara Motel. It's one of those films that you would never rent or even watch for free online, but merely pick up and glance over while at the $5 bucket in your local video store. But I managed to pick it up from the library and it turned out to be quite decent, at least for those who've been to Niagara Falls and wondered what it would be like swimming off the edge.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

"Ejacula picnic"

Russell Peters concert tickets for June 12 in Toronto: $78.75
Adult single-ride GO Train ticket: $6.25
Logging on to Ticketmaster to find a verification code that requires you to type "Ejacula picnic": Priceless

But with my on-going problem of being too late and too poor, I won't be attending this event, at which the comedic genious of Russell Peters will perform. Hopefully, I'll be able to catch him in October in Kitchener.


I had a hearing test two days ago, and as sure as I was I didn't need one, I agreed to go since the office was near a Taco Bell. At the hearing center I was the youngest patient there by about 60 years, which served as proof to me that this clearly was unecessary. There is no way that my hearing could be as worse as those aging folks, and I almost felt bad for showing up; as if the doctor was wasting her precious time on me, who's hearing was probably perfect.

While in the waiting room, I read an aritcle on Weeds' star Mary Louise Parker in some magazine, and about how she likes to get naked alot. Having reached the maximun capacity for nudity on the show, she is now exposing herself live in theatre performances. When I first discovered Weeds, I watched the first season plus two episodes of the next one in a day online, at (yes, its that simple). Realizing that I only had two more seasons to go through, and that new episodes wouldn't come on for nearly a year, I decided to prolong the enjoyment and spread the next two season out over half a month. This show is more creative and halarious than any Despearate Housewives drama you'd see on regular television. Plus, every episode after the first season features a new band performing the title song everytime. And in a season two episode, Snoop Dogg even comes in to drop a track about the "MILF Weed".

"It's grown and it's green like the Hulk when he's angry,
Break it up, break it up, smoke it up, tangy,"

For the hearing tests, I was put in this little soundproof booth, filled with all kinds of gadgets and medical equipment, having to do with ears off course. The room is what I pictured all those drug testing facilities in the 50's and 60's would look like, as in the opening scenes of Pinneaple Express. The room had a glass pane, and on the other side sat the doctor. I had foam headphones stuck into my ears, which were attached to wires going into some machine. These were hooked up to her microphone, and I had to repeat after her, as the volume got lower. The words were simple such as "airplane" or "birthday", and were switched up whenever she noticed I had them memorized. Then I was subjected to what seemed like an endless array of every possible beeping noise ever imagined. These sounded like everything from telephone rings to that annoying non-stop buzzing sound dial-up internet connections make. I completed the examination, and my hearing proved to be "fantastic", like I assumed all along. I was then informed about $300 "musician's headphones" which adjust the frequencies that you want to hear. I could never hold on to something that expensive and so tiny. In fact, I'd probably be so nervous about breaking or loosing them, that the pressure put on my mind to keep them safe would suck them into my head through my ears, and there would go my $300 hearing loss insurance.

And R.I.P David Carridine, whom I discovered through two of my favorite films, the Kill Bill series, and also in an earlier lesser known Scorsese film he starred in called Boxcar Bertha. I don't know what it is about hotels or high rise apartments that induce death among celebrities. First Heath Ledger in his SoHo condo, then Jimmi Hendrix drummer Mitch Mitchell in a Portland hotel, and now David Carridine in Bangkok. Tsk, tsk...

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Last Titanic Survivor...

...has died, as of yesterday. And now its time to make my girlfriend feel bad for not watching the movie with me, while the 97 year old ex-passenger was still alive.

Millvina Dean, born in London, was only eight weeks old when she boarded the fated ship on April 10, 1912. One of the greatest naval disasters in world history, and she won't even remember it. In fact, she most likely slept through most of it, tucked away in a postal sack, with a pacifier and a blanket. Her brother, Bertram, not yet two years old, was separated from the family during the chaos, but the siblings were reunited on a rescue ship. Their father, ufortunately, did not survive the wreck.

To me, Titanic survivors are alot like Holocaust survivors. Agewise, they're dinosaurs, ancient, endangered (well, those of the Titanic genus are more like extinct). There's only a few of them left, and we're lucky to see one. But Titanic survivors--when they were around--were never exhibited across school districts telling their story. They never got to show us their "before and after" Titanic photos: "Here was me before boarding - :), while the ship was sinking - X(, and being rescued on a life boat - :(". No kid ever came home to his parents to tell them about the Titanic survivor at their school assembly. Having nothing to do with any major wars, and carrying no famous passengers onboard, historically, I guess the shipwreck had little value. But I can't help but think that Millvina and friends would have appreciated if someone had asked them to speak in their classroom, right?

And now, a story about adolesence, featuring the Titanic:

About a decade and a half ago, when my English teacher was still an English student, he asked a girl out to see Titanic, which had just opened in theaters. He planned the date for Saturday, and was hopeful she would accept. He was rejected however, because on Saturday, the girl had to wash her hair. In retrospect, he should feel lucky. Because if she was being honest and that wasn't just an bogus excuse, I couldn't picture him with somebody that high maintenance. My English teacher has not had the desire to see Titanic since.

Personally, I haven't even seen the movie all the way through yet. I have been to the Titanic museum in Mexico, about half an hour south of the border. The only thing I remember was awkwardly watching the naked portrait scene on some TV with a group of fellow tourists, who I'm sure felt just as awkward as me. The thing that bothered me about that particular segment, was the commentary provided by Kate Winslet's "real-life" counterpart Gloria Stuart, who narrated parts of the movie. She said something along the lines of, "I was so nervous," or "My heart beat so fast as I undressed", while looking back at the erotic encounter. Whatever her lines were, it was not something I wanted to hear from a 101 year old.

Unlike me however, there are people who have gained wisdom from the more sensual aspects of Titanic, one of them being Shane Dawson, who learned about sex by watching the film.

(Note to self: Do not leave your ice cream cone sitting on your laptop while typing. Especially when it is on your lap. It will fall.)